Save Your Heart: Chapter 8

Title: Save Your Heart
Author: the_huffster
Pairing: Buffy/Giles
Rating: R
Timeline: Season 8 AU
Synopsis: Instead of dying at the hands of a Twilight controlled Angel, Giles walked away from the crater that was known as Sunnydale. With the seed destroyed at the world changed (again), Buffy and Giles left to England as the rest of the Scoobies adjust to a semi-normal life in their own way. But how will Giles and Buffy's relationship pull through with the issues of Giles' miraculous survival between them?

Giles felt a brief moment of panic when the door to the room opened, relief replacing the panic when his sister walked in. At the raised eyebrow she gave him, he realized his panic must have shown on his face.

“Expecting someone else to walk in?” Emily asked as she sat down in the chair next to his bed.

“I thought it would be Buffy walking through that door.” He answered, closing his eyes as he became aware of the pain he was in as the morphine slowly wore off. “Even though I told the doctor to send you in, I had a feeling Buffy would come in.”

“Do you want to see her, Rupert?”

“No,” he whispered as his eyes glanced at the machine responsible for his morphine, watching as his dose dripped into the tube.

“She saved your life,” Emily pointed out, well aware of what was going on in her brother’s head.

"It doesn’t make up for what she did to me.”

Silence fell over the siblings, Giles wanting the subject to drop while Emily was thinking of ways to get her brother to actually talk. They eventually made small talk about the injuries Giles had received from his attackers, his eyes drifting to his right forearm when his sister mentioned the surgery to reconstruct the bone.

“Where are Logan and Jess?” he asked after the thought came to him.

“In the waiting room with Buffy,” Emily answered, looking at her brother when she mentioned the Slayer.

“Buffy’s really still here?”

“Of course she is,” she sighed as she decided to force her brother to hear her out. “She’s worried about you. She was here when we arrived and she was a wreck, Ru. She was so worried that you wouldn’t make it…you really should talk to her.”

“No,” he opened his mouth to continue, stopping when his sister glared at him.

“Christ, Rupert! If you love her as much as you say you do, then you would let her explain herself.” Emily told him, fed up with his behavior. “While we were waiting for you to wake up, I got the chance to talk to her and you know what? There’s more to what she said than you think.”

“Did it ever occur to you that she could be lying to you?” Giles asked, doing his best to not get his hopes up at a chance with Buffy.

“I hardly think she would be able to lie about this in the state she was in,”

The Watcher just shrugged and looked at the off-white sheet covering his body. The steady beeping of the heart monitor echoed in the room while the siblings just sat there, neither one saying a word. After a few minutes, Emily stood up and made her way to the door.

“Where are you going?” Giles asked, his eyes moving towards her.

“Your niece and nephew are worried sick about you,” she began. “I’m going to go get them so they can see you’re fine.”

“Oh,” he nodded his head and went back to inspecting what he could see of the damage his body had taken.

As he thought over what Emily had told him, he was grateful for the morphine drips to dull the pain. He continued to take in the bruises, cuts, and other signs of injury on his torso as he waited for Emily to return with her children. At the sound of the door opening, Giles looked up and felt his smile drop when Buffy walked into the room.

“Hey,” she gave him a small smile as she tentatively made her way to the chair next to his bed.

“What are you doing here?” he mumbled, his eyes dropping back to the bed.

“Emily told me you wanted to talk,”

Giles mentally cursed his sister. “She was lying.”

“I don’t care, I want to talk.” Buffy told him in a tone that let him know she had her mind set on talking to him. “You have every right to hate me, I know that. But you have to know that I don’t want you dead, Giles. I do wish that Angel was here but…I’d lose you, and…” Buffy sighed and looked at him. “I feel guilty about it, Giles. I want you here but then a part of me feels like that means I don’t miss Angel, and…my head’s really complicated.”

“So instead of just talking to me you just let me think you want me dead?” he glared at her.

“I didn’t handle this the best way, I know that…”

“One year, Buffy. I’ve been trying to get you to talk about what happened in that bloody crater for a year, and all you ever did was put it off. You even used sex to avoid the conversation!” Giles cut her off, wincing when the sudden movement sent a jolt of pain through his body. “I kept thinking that if I gave you time then you’d open up. It didn’t have to be to me, but to someone.”

“I didn’t want to talk about it, Giles. I just wanted to move on,”

“So you used me? Besides sex, what was it that you got from our relationship?”

“I didn’t want to be alone. And I didn’t want to lose you…”

He rolled his eyes when she trailed off. Silence fell over them as the Watcher stared at his lap. The longer the room remained silent, the more Giles found himself wishing that Buffy would just talk so she could leave him alone. When she whispered his name, he turned to look at her.

“What?”

“Please, just…talk to me.” She begged, trying to keep the tears from falling. “I know I don’t deserve you forgiving me, but please. I can’t take the chance of losing you again.”

He nearly caved in at the sight of tears in her hazel eyes, but he quickly pushed back that impulse and just looked at her.

“I can’t, Buffy. I…” he sighed and looked at her. “I knew you didn’t really want to be with me, but I was happy with you because there were moments when you looked at me and I could’ve sworn I was the one making you happy. But knowing that you’ve been wanting Angel all this time…I can’t be second to him, Buffy. Not after all he’s done to you, to me. I love you, and it would destroy me to be with you when all you want is him.”

“You love me?” she looked at him in disbelief. “When did that happen?"

“Right before your mother died. Between then and what happened in that crater, things kept getting in the way of me telling you. Or I kept nearly dying.” He looked at her and sighed. “And then I walked out of that crater somehow and I promised myself that once you had grieved and some time I had passed, I would tell you.”

“So when I ended up seducing you that night…?” Buffy asked softly.

“I decided to be there for you. I just wouldn’t tell you that I was in love with you, because then I’d lose you. And I was willing to have whatever I could,” he explained. “It was selfish of me to do that, but after nearly dying so many times before I ever really got a chance to tell you…”

He trailed off and gave a small shrug. Giles locked his gaze on the off white sheet, not wanting to see Buffy stare at him with tears in her eyes. Silence settled over them once again, and the Watcher begged that she would just leave now that he had told her everything.

“I’m sorry, Giles.” She whispered softly. “You did make me happy, that was real. I just…I felt guilty about being with you and being happy. I should have talked about it but I thought that maybe if I didn’t talk it would help me move on,”

“Obviously it didn’t. Instead, all it did was make things worse.” He took a deep breath before finally looking at her. “I always knew that if, for some reason, we were together you would break my heart. And I accepted that long ago. I only wish my heart was being broken because Angel. Again.”

Her hand reached out and grabbed his undamaged one, her grip tightening when he tried to pull his hand away. His eyes flashed with anger when she refused to let his hand go. His anger was only meant with determination from the Slayer.

“I need you to listen to me, Giles. I’m sorry that I’m so fucked up right now I said the wrong things and did the wrong this,” she began, frustration in her voice as he continued to struggle to free his hand. “I’m sorry I hurt you. But you can’t cut me out of your life like this, please.”

“Why shouldn’t I?” he finally gave up trying to free his hand and just slumped in the hospital bed.

“Because you love me…”

“Don’t you dare turn what I feel on me like that!” he growled.

“I didn’t mean it like that! I just…you’re my best friend, Giles. And I’m pretty sure I’m your best friend too. You can’t just throw away that,”

“Watch me.” He stared at her, his jaw clenching. “The moment you walk out that door, you will never hear from me again. I promise you that. I rather never see you again then be in a relationship based on a lie,”

“I’m not asking you to be in a relationship with me again, Giles. I just…I can’t lose you, okay? I need my Watcher to help me out when things get bad with slaying, I need my best friend when things get bad in general, and…” a small smile appeared on her face as she tried to lighten up the mood. “Indiana really misses you.”

Giles looked away for a brief moment, willing himself to calm down. After a few moments he finally looked back at her and sighed.

“I can’t promise it will be easy, Buffy. As you know, you’ve hurt me severely this time.” A small and brief smile appeared on his face. “But you’re right, I can’t throw our friendship away.”

The blonde smiled and leaned forward, carefully hugging him before softly kissing his bruised cheek. She gave him a shy smile at the blush that crept up his face.

“I should go,” Buffy said as she slowly got up form the chair, giving him a small smile. “You have a niece and nephew you are dying to see you, and I have a puppy who’s waiting for me to get home.”

“How is Indiana?” Giles asked softly.

“The same. Misses his daddy like crazy though.” She laughed softly as the smug look on her Watcher’s face. “I know, I know. He loves you more. When you get released, you need to come visit. I don’t think I can stand watching him run to the door and sit there any time he thinks you’re home.”

“I’ll come visit,” he promised.

Buffy nodded and made to leave the room, pausing when she got to the door. She turned around and looked at him.

“I did…do love you, Giles.” She shook her head softly when he opened his mouth to reply. “I wasn’t saying that to get under your skin or anything. You deserve to know. But like I said, guilt and mixed up feelings really screwed me up when it came to you. I’ll see you later.”

Giles just stared at the door as Buffy left. He took a deep breath and thought over what had just happened. With Buffy’s last admission, she had made it that much harder for Giles to try and move on.

“Uncle Ru!” Logan’s voice brought him out of his thoughts.

As Logan and Jess ran into the room, his sister right behind her children, Giles decided he could think about his situation with Buffy later. Right now, he just wanted to spend time with his family.